February 13, 2021 – the phone rings. It’s my sister. I could tell right away that something was wrong. Then came the words:
“Grandma had a stroke, she’s in the hospital.”
The grand matriarch of the family at age 96, had hit her alert button & people went to work. Paramedics showed up to find her alert, conscious, and confused about what the hell just happened.
By the time that I got the call – Grandma was already at the hospital and had mobilized friends & cousins in the area to grab her glasses, get her some of her things, and for god sakes, someone clean the bathroom.
After a couple days, and a myriad of tests, it came back that she had a trans-ischemic attack (TIA) in the deep part of her right hemisphere, that caused muscle weakness and facial drooping in her left side.
As bad as that is by itself – there were also other things going on.
Obviously – Covid-19 implications and Grandma, at her age & in this situation falls into the high-risk column in a dozen ways.
Her oldest son & his wife (my Dad), is doing the snowbird thing in Florida. Because of the deep freeze the country was going thru – it was nothing but snow and ice between Florida and home. He wasn’t driving anywhere. He wasn’t flying anywhere – and that panic and helplessness had set in.
Her second son & his wife had the boiler quit in their home and were rotating space heaters from room to room in their home in Minnesota to keep it from getting worse.
There wasn’t a path for her kids to get home and be where they wanted to be the most. Taking care of Mom.
While she was in the hospital under observation and testing to figure out what happened and the severity – and the family was scrambling for an answer to ‘what next’. The options on the table were either rehab in a senior facility, or being released home with someone there 24/7. She absolutely hates the idea of being put into a home. Always has. My name was mentioned, and Grandma really loved the idea.
See, I’m the only grandson, and Grandma and I have our own brand of closeness within the family dynamic.
I’ve basically been running job searches, Python tutorials & Revit templates until I run out of coffee (every 2 weeks) and hit the grocery store. You could say that I was uniquely qualified for this particular situation and the only one in the immediate family that isn’t working or trapped somewhere. I grabbed my gear. Took some doing to get the car jump-started in the deep freeze (which is a story in itself), but by the day of her release from the hospital – I managed to get moving.
Now, this is written/edited with the benefit of hindsight, after my return to Minnesota – but as I was ‘in it’ and in private moments – I was doing my utmost to hold it together, but I was out of my element here. I design buildings, what the hell do I know about home care & nursing?
This is Grandpa’s girl. Whether I was in over my head or not – I was going to do whatever it took to do right by his memory, for her & the rest of the family who are depending on the best possible outcome.
The answer to my uncertainty was in observation, problem solving, and laughing often – aided by low & high tech solutions, but more of that later.
I wrote the bulk of the rest of what I’m going to share below on my iPad after putting Grandma to bed, in the first few days.
I’m going to be honest – for the last couple of days, I’ve been well outside my comfort zone. I’m doing things that I thought were (hopefully) years in my future, and things that we never really think about because its a little difficult to face.
But I’m trying to bring the funny. To make Grandma laugh and to set aside the uncomfortable situations. And she’s doing the same, although I never quite grasped the depths of her trolling and ability to jokingly smack talk.
As a kid – you get that there are levels of play. An unspoken understanding that you’re allowed to goof around a little, as long as you stay in your lane.
As an adult – the rules are relaxed obviously – but in this case its really something else.
Within the first few days of recovery, while Grandma’s strength and dexterity were gaining – she needed help, and for that I’m grateful for family friend and neighbor Caroline. Grandma’s shopping partner, errand runner, helper, and who’s been a godsend to Grandma’s health and well-being.
I observe & listen. It’s what I do. I’ve been the quiet guy in the corner since I was little. In this whole ordeal, I learned something about a person that I’ve known my entire life.
Tonight. We were helping Grandma get ready for bed and the nightly routine and I had left the bathroom to get her bedtime pill and another cup from the kitchen – when I hear a loud crash from the bathroom. Not what you want to hear from the other room, occupied by a grandparent who just got out of the hospital, and is supposed to be taking it slow.
I run in the bathroom to find that a towel bar had fallen down, and Grandma was mildly scolding.
“What are you trying to do, break my house???”
Poor Caroline was apologizing profusely and laughing from astonishment …
“I just touched a towel, I didn’t know… I’m sorry… I don’t know what happened…”.
I looked at Grandma and caught her grinning and added
“Geez Caroline, don’t you know that that was a load bearing towel?”
Then I hear Grandma start to laugh…
“That happens all the time. No biggie, the bracket is loose and I can’t get the little screw to tighten.”
(No idea that was an issue, but fixed it after she went to bed).
Part of what we have together is her giving me grief, sarcasm and busting on me because it’s funny as hell. She’s good at the Grandma burns, sometimes to the degree that she makes herself laugh before she gets it out. It’s pretty great.
96 years young. My grandmother.
Strength, determination, fortitude… one of the toughest people that I’ve ever known.
After suffering a TIA over Valentine’s weekend, she spent a few days in the hospital, and if you knew her – you know that this is generally a bad thing, and not for the obvious reasons. She hates it in there. Sure she plays nice, but she’ll do anything not to be waited on and to accomplish her goals – whatever they may be.
TIA / stroke in her right hemisphere is almost like shooting a bear with a BB gun. It might sting a little, might even leave a lasting mark – but ultimately all you’re going to do is piss her off, so get out of the way.
Today she asked the Occupational Therapist when she was going to stop feeling like this and start using her hand again – because she hates sitting still. Not a surface ‘I hate this’ kind of reaction – a soul stirring quiet frustration. It’s a quiet fire. On the surface, she’s an adorable old lady, who knows everyone & will go out of her way to help a neighbor or stranger. Internally, she’s driven. Determined. She pushes to figure out the edges of her capabilities.
She’s seen a lot (obviously) lived thru wars, pandemics, was born & grew up during the Great Depression and is a shining example of the Greatest Generation, capable of Macgyvering a dinner for 4 out of seemingly nothing.
Yesterday she was slurring her words. Today I watched her write out a bill and balance her checkbook. Real math – no calculator. In pen.
She told the OT today about her bad shoulder, and how’s she’s taken a couple of falls over the last couple years…
“I was putting on my shoes to go shovel the driveway and I lost my balance…”
I talked to the OT between exercises to explain that it happened last year, not when she was 85…. LAST YEAR. Also, she has a neighbor John that shovels for her, usually in exchange for spritz cookies.
It’s not uncommon to find her washing windows on a step stool or getting into something else that she’s been warned isn’t a good idea for her to attempt.
No stairs grandma. NO STAIRS.
After a visit to her house a year or so ago – I get a call asking what I did with the pillows on the bed and why there’s one missing – from the upstairs bedroom she’s not supposed to be in.
That happens often. Sure she goes up and down the stairs on her butt, and doesn’t chance her balance issues do to most of her hearing having disappeared 10 years ago. The family has countless examples of this, going back 20+ years. Buried somewhere in my photo library, I have pictures of her target shooting with a .22 pistol at the family cottage. She was in her 80s at the time and bested half of us in taking out empty soda cans.
Now personally – I’ve enjoyed the comfort and peace of my family, and our grand matriarch who doesn’t take crap, plays by the forgotten rules of the Greatest Generation and never stops moving, even when her left side isn’t presently cooperating.
She’s not defeated. That quiet fire is stoked a little, and determination is awakened.
“I can’t believe I had a damned stroke. I just want to be able to take care of my house and do my things. When can I get back to that? “
Most people 20 years younger just give up, get complacent, get defeated and just accept things. Not her. In her 80s she had a double knee replacement. Carpal Tunnel surgery, cataract surgery. She keeps going. Her kids are in their 70s and it’s tough to keep up with her.
I’m in my 40s and she’s got a better resting heart rate and pulse ox than I do. I had to retake the test after some relaxation breathing because I couldn’t fathom that I was being bested.
So yeah, I’m out of my comfort zone a little and doing things that I’m not remotely trained for. This is an act of pure love and dedication for a woman that is “Grandma” to half the city. Who has generations of ‘kids’ that she’s not related to. Who’s worked, supported, and provided for her family in more ways than you can possibly imagine, and for nearly a century.
I marvel at the idea as I write this. I open my ears whenever she tells stories, because she still has nearly unlimited recall of an era that a lot of people these days never experienced, never learned of, and have no idea of.
I cannot express even now the level of appreciation that I have just being in proximity to someone who’s seen that much history, and lived as much as she has with a level of purpose, duty and intent as she has.
It’s truly something to see. Doctor’s can’t believe her birth certificate when they meet her, can’t believe that she accomplishes the things that she does, and the best thing that anyone can do is just stand back, and marvel at this unassuming little grandma – that if you knew her, would blow you away.
She’s a fighter. She’s a cornerstone of the community, loved by everyone, and yeah I can make the claim that she’s ‘badass’ like anyone else might – but not kidding, the things that I’ve witnessed just this week, raised the bar for how badass I knew her to be.
Who else would troll so hard and then fiendishly giggle at her friends and family just to get one over on you? She’s truly a force in this world, and I’m not being hyperbolic. Not remotely.
She looked at me the other night and said “I bet your Dad wants to be here, huh?” I told her of course. Everyone does, you are one very loved person – but Dad wouldn’t let you get away with half the crap that I do”.
Then I told her that she has to protect me. Because if she went and got herself into trouble, or got hurt on my watch, most of the North Side would kick my ass – just as a warm-up to what the family would do to me.
She laughed and laughed.
“I won’t let them get you. We’ll be ok.”
I had set up a command center. Mass text and iMessage blasts to the family & friends, FaceTime with the grand & great-grandkids, and 4-6x daily progress posts to the family to quell the panic images playing in everyone’s heads who wasn’t able to be there with her.
About 10 minutes after breakfast on day #1, I had grandma’s number on the DoNotCall list as the phone was ringing off the hook with telemarketers, and the lady needed her rest.
Then I started in with Breaking News updates, morning reports, videos of her appointments with her therapists. Video messages from her directly.
Of course, given the awkwardness of the situation (for both of us) as well as the rest of the family – I brought the funny. I had to keep everyone’s spirits light, cover the facts & ease minds.
That set a precedent when my Uncle took over, armed with his new-to-him iPhone. The established benchmarks for communication continues, and I’m still helping from here in the cheering section.
I recall telling my Dad that I was going to have to call my union rep because I needed more than 10 minute breaks 2x a day, as I was running from room to room ‘staging’ things to her liking before she got there. Drapes open, things tidy, tables set, etc.
I also may have mentioned early on that if I was going to be involved in showers and situations that would make it hard to maintain eye contact with grandma at dinner – that it had better be reflected in my Christmas bonus.
Laughter is important.
We cooked, we cleaned, she fired me from doing dishes when she decided it was something she could do.
Cooking & cleaning “Grandma’s way” and prepping rooms let me into her world and organizational system. I tried to stay ahead of her, doing things before she asked to keep the focus on recovery and not on how I folded the towels wrong.
Making her sauce had her standing up, pushing chairs out of the way and standing at the stove to make sure I didn’t screw it up. This time – I took detailed process photos and have obtained the much sought after family recipe.
I had no idea how I was going to be beneficial to recovery – no official training. I’ve been fortunate to have never been in a situation that required Physical or Occupational Therapy or extended care. I knew nothing about health care other than it’s a form you sign when you start work and then never really use it.
I had to channel everything that I had ever learned about physiology, biology, and fold that into a practical application to provide support to keep Grandma in positive spirits, run the house, disseminate information to family to keep everyone else informed. I’m researching my ass off on medical coverage and her prescriptions & dosages.
All while dealing with the pressures to not screw it up, and far beyond anything I placed on myself in anything else that I’ve done.
Walking into this blind, and seeing Grandma in her chair with a drooping face and couldn’t really move her left side that first night – well that kicked off a level of anxiety that was new to even me.
Largely & quickly the rule became that I as going to let her try anything that she wanted and wait until she asked for help. I’m not dumb enough to stand in her way about things and I am not the authority figure in this situation.
Day #1 of occupational therapy, as the therapist put her thru the paces of figuring out what she could do – Grandma got into bed with her glasses on. She noticed a dust bunny on the ceiling, and during her therapy had me getting the dusting weapons to take care of it.
I paid attention to absolutely every little thing she was doing. For the sake of the family, for her, and for her therapists.
Part of that led to little things like suggesting she try dressing left-foot-first and then move the foot that cooperated, into position. A day later and she didn’t need help with that anymore. The rest of it led to me knowing what she was capable of before she did, as well as her level of confidence in doing certain things – which was passed on to her therapists to adjust her exercises.
Each and every day it was something new. Woke up one morning to see Grandma had gotten herself out of bed and was walking across the living room. Ok – so she reached the independent mobility stage. Every day after that she was trying something she hadn’t the day before.
Keeping everyone informed was entertaining as well. Every time she busted me texting after she tried something I’d get “Who’d you tell on me to this time?”
By the time that my Uncle took over Grandma watch on Tuesday, she used the walker until breakfast and didn’t touch it again for the rest of the day. I was the one who moved it from room to room just in case. She’s about 95% back to where she was, and has plans in place for the last 5% of things she doesn’t think she’ll do as much anymore – like moving furniture.
I’ve often joked that my Grandma could win a town mayoral election just by announcing that she was running.
The sense of small town community up there is pretty amazing when compared to the ‘big city’ standard.
I would be remiss if I didn’t openly express my gratitude for friends and family who support and encourage her at every step. In the last 3 weeks I’ve seen cousins, neighbors, and a community mobilize itself around Grandma in an incredible way, and I am endlessly indebted to them.
I’m going to screw this up, as the old ‘North Side’ is a mix of families and I’m not 100% sure who I’m related to and who I’m not.
I haven’t been shy about telling each of them just how much I appreciate them in person, and how much it means to the family to have that support. Thank all of you.
Caroline & David (friends and neighbors)
Kelly & Dan w/ Santina, Gino & Marianna (cousins)
Tina (cousin)
Vinnie & Steve (cousins)
Krissy & Family (cousins)
Donna & Al (friends)
Julie (cousin)
Janet (friend)
John (friend & neighbor)
Sylvia (friend)
And invariably I’m missing people here – Grandma’s network extends nation-wide. Cards came in from all over as the word spread.
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