Hi. Me again.
I know its been a while since I’ve sat down and hacked out something more than 280 characters, but here we are.
Part of that is the rabbit hole I always seem to end up in when I have that day job and new challenges – part of it is the expediency of Twitter. Either way – here we are.
I’ve watched a few new(er) movies lately while on the path to deliverables, and its sparked a series of thoughts that warrant exploration that doesn’t have a character count.
The Matrix rewatch as a ramp-up to a viewing of #4. Then more recently “Free Guy” (which I repeated last night) after a viewing of “The Adam Project”. If you haven’t seen them, try to both of them are well done.
The former, along with a collection of Dynamo scripts, flashes back to my brief stint taking online Python coding classes, and a couple years of Fortnite to blow off steam after work – All led me to a waking thought about loops.
Either behavioral, experential, deeply personal, unseen, OODA (Observe, Orient, Decide, Act)… or even scientific principles like Newton’s first law:
“A body at rest will remain at rest, and a body in motion will remain in motion unless acted by an outside force.”
So its there. Maybe its a positive behavioral loop and you’re one of those people that greets the world with a smile and then a workout. Personal rituals built around you being you. Go get it.
Maybe its one of those negative loops (ruts), or mental torture chambers that you lock yourself into… There’s a way out of that, but the first step is usually to take a step back from the situation and look at what’s going on.
I’ve found out that a lot of people can’t do that. 90% of the time – I can’t either, usually. I will say that if you’re watching someone experience one of these – you can jog them out of brain loops back to safer ground, and its pretty rewarding to set a restless mind at ease.
(Some say I missed my true calling as a therapist for how many times I’ve done that. I just see it as something I do to look at the situation from an alternate perspective and navigate to a solution).
For me? I wake up to a dream of a recurring theme. I’m trying to solve a problem that seems to continually reset itself. Sysiphusian in nature. A brain loop unto itself.
Then there’s coffee, tweet something (hit or miss) & start messing around with whatever non-billable thing that I had going the night before. Then warming up for the day and reading that stupid email chain of things that I didn’t have time for the day before.
Then, I just go. Jump in. An office Teams call kicks off the morning while the coffee finds its path. Its Node #1 on the day.
Most people find comfort in routine. I’m people. I’m allergic to drama. The way that I see it is that there’s enough outside of my 9 SF that causes me anxiety & stress – I’d rather work to defend my stasis and control what I can without actively seeking out more reasons to lose a handle on the day.
Post coffee & morning call – its usually 12-16 hours, here. Doing things & making stuff.
The post 9-5 goal (and who are we kidding, I’m an architect who sees this compulsion as a calling – things don’t ever start and stop on a clock).
People have expressed worry about this behavior. Friends, family, people I only know thru social media…
Rest assured, there’s a lot of self-care built into the day. After the calls stop and everyone else goes on with their outside doings – I either can accomplish the things I set out to do at the beginning. OR I reorder my library, develop new toys, expand an ever-evoloving system.
I will openly admit – I get burned out. I hit that point of mental exhaustion a lot last week. That’s its own loop.
There’s a why behind ALL of it though. I’ve never aspired to be an NPC.
This has all been made more difficult for most of us as of late. Since I’m largely introverted – usually that manifests as self-preservation and digging in deeper for a more solid footing. Like the kid who goes and plays in their room when the house is a little chaotic. Head down, stay solid and don’t go backward.
BUT
There’s also this nagging personal aspiration thing that I have where I’m not ok with the status quo. Even dug in to my rut, I push at the edges.
I’ve had my butt kicked repeatedly by this life & honestly who hasn’t. I’ve had my butt kicked by my career (taken down hard twice now), bullied by contractors who operate under leverage and the false belief that I’m an expensive idiot who’s only there to get a permit and complicate their life. Bullied by clients, subjected to the scruntiny of professional level angry citizens at zoning meetings… and no matter their walk of life, everyone has a similar story. Someone, somewhere has felt it necessary to include you in their schadenfreude.
Frankly I’m tired of it. You probably are too.
I’ve heard it said that the most valuable real estate on the planet is within the fence of a graveyard. Packed full of creativity and unrealized potential. Its a little dark, but that’s the end game.
I have never wanted to get there by being an NPC. If I’m being honest – I’m a little irriated at the fact that may happen.
On the other side of that coin, I don’t have grand aspirations for magazine covers and accolades at the top levels. That’s a young man’s chase and I can’t recall ever having it.
My goals were always to create something that inspired someone else in some way. To have an impact beyond the confines of my 9 SF. To be part of something much larger than just little old me. At times I’ve felt that, but its been a fleeting feeling.
First job. Start as a register rider at the corner Hardee’s (fast food restaurant). Self-taught as a line cook, both breakfast and lunch menus, and by the time I left, about the only thing I couldn’t do had an age restriction on them. I pushed at the edges of the assigned tasks.
Last job before the Covid. PA basically in charge of production. Except all the tools sucked. So I built my own and then showed everyone else how.
I hate to say it, if you’re capable and entreprenurial, there’s a good chance that there will be outside forces that wish you to continue in that loop that has benefits for them.
I’m still feeling a lot like an NPC. I need to create a next step to break myself and my family out of the earnings rut and into a wealth-building level. Not having an active understanding of that world is a limiting factor.
If you’re in the loop with me. Welcome.
It’s somehow easier. Its comforting predictibility can be a form of self-preservation while the uncertainty in the world around us get louder. The louder it gets, sometimes its just easier to ride it out and play by the rules.
If you’re cool with where you are – I’m happy for you. You’re being the best you can be, and you’ve got it on lock. Congratulations. I don’t judge.
Chuck Yeager said “Rules are for those who are too afraid to make up their own.” And I can get on board with that line of thinking. The struggle I face is the same as the waking dream I have every morning. Self-resetting problem without a known solution.
There may be lateral opportunities in my near future that bring some of that tech tinkering closer to the spotlight – which is fine by me. Its still problem-solving in the AEC sphere – just not tied to the immediacy of project deadlines and computers typically don’t scream at you.
That’s still not the solution to jogging myself out of this loop and the limitations on my potential. The turmoil is unlocking wherever that door is.
History only makes sense when you reverse the loop – so I’m hoping that mind coalesces in a place that allows me to achieve the personal things that I’ve been striving for since the beginning of my beginning.
So lets put on the glasses, re-direct the loop & maybe play the game at a deeper level (if you’re so inclined). There’s a solid chance that I’m going to need your help to get to the next tier.
Copyright © 2023